Hebe

I’m on the edge of a massive fucking abyss of a meltdown....

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 16:51:00 +0100

I’m on the edge of a massive fucking abyss of a meltdown. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it in. 3 presentations, 60% of my revision, 5 exams. It feels like I’ve been working forever and it’s never going to end. There will always be new things like this. I sat down in the shower and cried earlier because I didn’t know what else to do. I’m so tired of trying. I’m going to fail all my exams anyway. I don’t know why I’m still making an effort. I think I’m keeping going with the hope that I might see people again.

Juggling

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 12:56:18 +0100

Last week I was at the British Juggling Convention and despite being around hundreds of incredibly talented jugglers, all willing to teach, for a week; I only juggled once. I’m a little disappointed in myself for it but I had my reasons.

I used to juggle a lot with someone I was very close to and since they left my life, I haven’t feel up to it. I have so many good memories associated with it and it made me feel down that all those times were over and we wouldn’t make anymore.

But it’s over and I’ve moved on and I think it’s about time that I start making some new good juggling memories and get back into it.

So guys, I’m going to juggle. Catch you in a bit.

Usual bed thoughts.

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:34:14 +0100

I feel quite lonely. I think it might be because I made the mistake of thinking I was important to someone and now I feel less important than before. I feel so distant from everyone and I need some human contact =/ Oh well. Not gonna get that any time soon…

Post-BJC Blues....

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 19:06:54 +0100

Last Monday I posted my last facebook status, closed my laptop and went to camp in a giant field with very limited technology at the British Juggling Convention. I was extremely relieved to leave normal life behind because everything has been so anxiety filled and stressful recently. But I was also dreading the convention because it had the potential to make me feel trapped and unable to get away from certain situations. I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to stay either. I didn’t want to be anywhere.

Luckily when I arrived, I was able to focus on my volunteering for the first few days and meet some awesome new people. I love being with these people because while we’ve only just met, I know that they wouldn’t let anyone upset me and I stopped worrying.

I had an amazing time. A great weight is lifted when you meet people and they don’t have any preconceptions about you. Life at conventions is much easier to handle than life normally because it is a closed system (Science is cool, okay.) and in closed systems nothing can move in or out. I don’t need to think about the world outside or the people outside. Everything is very simple and easy - a small bubble on which to focus.

I was thankful to get away from the complications that happen via technology. Ignoring my phone and the news was incredibly soothing.

Now that I’m back home I feel very on edge because I can’t ignore things anymore. The system has become so suffocatingly complex again and it feels as though all the things that I should have been worrying about when I was away (studying, motivation, boys.) are all coming back very quickly. I want to put everything behind me and stay feeling the way that I did when I was away from the world but I don’t know how to do it.

I don’t want to be back here.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 16:37:00 +0100

I’m upset at myself for acting hypocritically. I like to think that I give people good advice and I’m not following the advice that I give other people.

I tell my friends to give other people chances and then I don’t give anyone a chance myself.

I tell them that they can do better than the guys who upset them and then give in to people who upset me. I’m a little angry at myself.

I spent a week trying really hard to do what I know will make me happier in the long run then gave up because I was weak. Maybe I went back because I know that I will be hurt and think that I deserve it? I know that at the time it will make me feel amazing but afterwards I’ll feel even more alone when he goes back to her. =/

I feel a little bad for doing what I suppose is not the morally correct thing.

I massively infuriate myself with my selfishness and naivety.

Social Obligation

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:30:57 +0100

This has kinda been a running theme of today. As many of you will know, I suck socially. And because of this, I don’t feel the usual social obligations that normal people do. I don’t invite people to things because I feel I ought to which is both good and bad. On the plus side, I don’t need to spend time with people that I don’t want to spend time with. On the negative side, people get very angry with me for not following social obligation. I don’t understand why I should need to invite people to spend time with me when it may make me feel uncomfortable (or even make them feel uncomfortable!) purely to satisfy other peoples social conventions and make things fair, particularly when it’s an event that I am organising!

Adults tell children their entire lives that life is not fair. Maybe they should listen to what they’re saying.

I will spend time with whomever it pleases me to so fuck you.

So...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 16:23:00 +0100

Things have been getting worse and worse for a while now. This is going to be a pretty blunt, depressing, and possibly offensive to some people post so I’ll shove it under a read more…

…

At the moment life sucks. I mean things have been bad for years now but they seemed to be getting better in February. Since the beginning of March they’ve just been going downhill.

I still take my medication every day but it doesn’t seem to have much effect anymore. This past week my immediate thought upon waking up has been “Oh god, another day…”. I’m tired of everything. I feel tired all the time but it takes me hours to get to sleep because my head won’t stop thinking about everything and everything isn’t that great anymore.

I can’t find the motivation to study because it honestly feels pointless. I’m working so much and I’ll probably fail anyway and it’s all for a degree that I’m not even sure I want.

Everything upsets me. I hate the news because everything is bad and nothing I do could ever fix any of that stuff. I’m so tiny and insignificant. I hate the television because people on it are so stupid, ignorant and selfish. It upsets me that people profit from these people and that people waste their life watching these people. How come these people who are apparently so much less intelligent than me can be happy and I can’t? Maybe they don’t understand all the horrible stuff around us which I can’t ignore.

I think about killing myself every day, quite a lot of every day. I don’t especially want to die because that might hurt but I certainly don’t want to be alive in a world like this where it seems like everything is so pointless.

I’m very alone. No one loves me. I have barely any friends. People constantly disappoint me by not living up to their potential, and hurt me. My father doesn’t care about me. My parents don’t want me here most of the time. I don’t have a best friend anymore.

I’m sick of things being this way and it doesn’t feel like they’ll ever change.

Who are we?

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 21:54:13 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past 2 weeks about what defines us a person; more specifically are the things we do and who we are entwined or are we just the lump sum of all the actions performed over a lifetime.

I haven’t been able to come to a decision on the matter for several reasons with the main one being that I don’t want us to be composed of everything we do because if we are, I’d feel very… weak I suppose for thinking some things about people when they only do bad things.

Secondly because while I’ve done awful things (and was a terrible person at the time), I don’t think that’s intrinsically who I am now.

Unfortunately I’m leaning more towards the idea that we are what we do. I’m not a terrible person but because I have done some terrible things some people treat me as though I am. Does it matter what we think we are if everyone else thinks and treats us differently?

Scientifically we often discard outliers and anomalies - if my opinion of myself is an outlier then surely that too could be discarding making me a person made from fabrics of opinions formed by others.

It’s often difficult to maintain what I think I am when people treat me as something different.

If someone is good then why would they keep on doing bad things? It is human nature sometimes to do things that benefit us solely us. Natural selection demands that we stay alive and continue our species. Maybe some people do follow instinct more than others or maybe EVERYTHING we do is instinct and we don’t notice? People and their actions confuse me to no end.

I’m typing this here because I need to talk about it I’ve told myself that I won’t talk to the person who I would usually talk to about it. They are the person who I suppose has bought this on. I can’t figure out if they are a bad person or a good person who does bad things. Nonetheless it’s probably the sensible option (not one I usually follow!) to keep them out of my life.

Opinions and comments always appreciated!

P.S if the person mentioned on this does read it, I miss you like crazy but I can’t talk to you. =\

Don't you have a boyfriend?

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 07:36:43 +0000

Uhhh no. Not for a long long long time. XD Whatever would give you that idea?

Is there a guy that you like at this moment?

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 12:17:44 +0000

There is but I have no idea if it’s going to work out at all =/ Things are tricky.

It feels like I’m not enough. Not pretty enough Not thin enough Not tall enough Not funny...

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 14:53:22 +0000

It feels like I’m not enough.

Not pretty enough

Not thin enough

Not tall enough

Not funny enough

Not interesting enough

Not cool enough

Not smart enough

Not girly enough

Not close enough.

jazzlemashazzle: humidshowers: Hm, suddenly become very attracted to a female friend of mine....

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:40:25 +0000

jazzlemashazzle:

humidshowers:

Hm, suddenly become very attracted to a female friend of mine. That’s interesting.
Especially as im straight.

It’s totally me ;D

Don’t be silly Jaz. I am so sexy.

suicideblonde: Winona Ryder

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:29:37 +0000

suicideblonde:

Winona Ryder

humidshowers: relevant.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 23:43:54 +0000

humidshowers:

relevant.

So great.

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 14:02:21 +0000

So great.

Photo

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 11:08:03 +0000

This is how bored I am.

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 22:03:40 +0000

Do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? Closed because otherwise the mountains of clothes would fall out…
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? I don’t stay in hotels so nope!
Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room? Hmmm… I guess I kinda have.
Where is your next vacation? British Juggling Convention unless I decide to spontaneously run away anywhere.
Have you ever stolen a street sign before? I have not. I have stolen signs from festivals though.
Who do you think reads these? Very possibly no one but to be honest, I don’t care.
Do you have a calendar in your room? I do. It’s a Vampire Diaries one. Damon <3
Where are you? …in bed >_>
What’s your plan for the night? Talk to people for a bit and then collapse and have wonderfully crazy dreams ^_^
Are you reading any books right now? I just finished Stuart: A Life Backwards and I guess I’m reading some crappy Jodi Picoult book because it was the most immediate click on my Kindle…
Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Yep… >.<
Have you ever peed in the woods? Haha probably XD
Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Oh yeah.
Do you chew your pens and pencils? Eww no. I can’t stand when people do that D=
What is your “Song of the Week”? Hmmm… Who’s David by Busted, or You Won’t Feel A Thing by The Script, or It’s All Your Fault by Pink.
Is it okay for guys to wear pink? On occasion.
Do you still watch cartoons? Yeah, why not? ^_^
Whats your favorite love movie? I consider both V for Vendetta and Cloud Atlas to be great movies which are partly about love.
What do you drink with dinner? Tea or hot Ribena =D
What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in? Nothing because they’re gross FLESH D=
What is your favorite food/cuisine? Thai or Pancakes!
What movies could you watch over and over and still love? V for Vendetta, Up!, Cabin in the Woods, House of Flying Daggers
Last person you hugged/kissed? Hugged - Fabio? Kissed - Classified Information.
Were you ever a boy/girl scout? I was a guide for a little bit but it wasn’t really my thing.
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? I’m not sure. Maybe.
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I can’t remember. A long time ago. I never sent it.
Can you change the oil on a car? HELLNO!
Ever gotten a speeding ticket? I can’t drive and I’ll most likely never learn because I don’t want to kill anyone >.<
Run out of gas? Nope…
Favorite kind of sandwich? Raw - Goats cheese + Salad, Toasted - Cheddar + Avocado + Pesto + Tomato. Om nom nom
Best thing to eat for breakfast? PANCAKES or porridge if there is no time!
What is your usual bedtime? 11-12?
Are you lazy? No. I struggle with motivation.
When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Loads of stuff: Astronaut, Witch, Cat
Do you have any magazine subscriptions? GRAND DESIGNS. I love fancy architecture and interior design.
Which are better, legos or lincoln logs? What on earth are lincoln logs? LEGO ALL THE WAY.
Are you stubborn? Haha, unbearably so.
Who is better…Jonathon Ross or Graham Norton? Jonathon Ross!
Ever watch soap operas? Not if I can help it.
Afraid of heights? Definitely not!
Sing in the car? Sing freaking anywhere =p
Dance in the shower? …no….
Dance in the car? YES!
Ever used a gun? Nope, I’d like to learn though.
Do you think musicals are cheesy? No. Watch Les Mis and just you TRY and tell me it’s cheesy =[
Is Christmas stressful? Urgh yes. So…many…relatives O_O
Ever eat a pierogi? What th-… *Googles* Eww. No.
Major annoyance right now? Coursework. Also, my toe hurts =[
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Vet, Firefighter.
Do you believe in ghosts? No.
Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Oh yeah. It happens all the time.
Do you take a vitamin daily? I take VITAMIN HAPPY. ;D
Wear slippers? Yep. My house is FREEZING.
Wear a bath robe? Yep. It’s black. I look like a Sith Lord.
What do you wear to bed? PJs.
ASDA, Sainsburys or M&S? ASDA mostly, M&S when I want to treat myself!
Nike or Adidas? Nike!
Doritos Or Walkers? Doritos. Nom.
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Huh… both. Give me all your nuts… >_>
Ever hear of, “gorp”? Nope…
Ever taken karate? Naa, too much pointless yelling!
Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Many a time.
Can you curl your tongue? Yep.
Ever won a spelling bee? Nope but I tend to think I’m pretty good with words ^_^
Ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah =D
Own any record albums? Not personally.
Own a record player? I don’t think so!
Regularly burn incense? Hell yeah. My room smells delightful.
Ever been in love? Very very much in love.
Hot tea or cold tea: Hot tea!
Tea or coffee? Tea nowadays. Coffee fucks my head up D=
Favorite kind of cookie? Oreo cookie cookie.
Can you swim well? No. I dive like an angel and swim like a dog XD
Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose? Yes. I don’t understand why people cannot do this.
Are you patient? Hahahahahaha. no.
Ever won a contest? I won an Easter Bonnet contest at BJC1997… >_>
Ever had plastic surgery? Nope.
Which are better black or green olives? Green olives are way nicer =)
Can you knit or crochet? I used to be able to do both but not anymore.
Wash room or bathroom? Bathroom!
Do you want to get married? HELL YEAHZ.
Who was your High School crush? Uhh… A guy called Matthew. I was like 13 XD
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Not really.
Do you have kids? Nope.
Do you want kids? Yeah, one day =)
What kind of mom are you? The kind with no children…. >_>
Do you miss anyone right now? I guess I do.
Who do you want to see right now? I would like to see Charles. Come back soon please. -.-

The only time my head feels quiet and clear of fog is when I’m drunk. I don’t need to...

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 00:53:25 +0000

The only time my head feels quiet and clear of fog is when I’m drunk. I don’t need to think or obsess. I can just be. It’s easy.

death-by-lulz: My lovely followers, please follow this blog...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 14:54:01 +0000

death-by-lulz:

My lovely followers, please follow this blog immediately!

Photo

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 10:04:33 +0000