Hebe

Last week I was at the British Juggling Convention and despite being around hundreds of incredibly talented jugglers, all willing to teach, for a week; I only juggled once. I’m a little disappointed in myself for it but I had my reasons.

I used to juggle a lot with someone I was very close to and since they left my life, I haven’t feel up to it. I have so many good memories associated with it and it made me feel down that all those times were over and we wouldn’t make anymore. 

But it’s over and I’ve moved on and I think it’s about time that I start making some new good juggling memories and get back into it. 

So guys, I’m going to juggle. Catch you in a bit.

<3

I feel quite lonely. I think it might be because I made the mistake of thinking I was important to someone and now I feel less important than before. I feel so distant from everyone and I need some human contact =/ Oh well. Not gonna get that any time soon…

Last Monday I posted my last facebook status, closed my laptop and went to camp in a giant field with very limited technology at the British Juggling Convention. I was extremely relieved to leave normal life behind because everything has been so anxiety filled and stressful recently. But I was also dreading the convention because it had the potential to make me feel trapped and unable to get away from certain situations. I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to stay either. I didn’t want to be anywhere.

Luckily when I arrived, I was able to focus on my volunteering for the first few days and meet some awesome new people. I love being with these people because while we’ve only just met, I know that they wouldn’t let anyone upset me and I stopped worrying. 

I had an amazing time. A great weight is lifted when you meet people and they don’t have any preconceptions about you. Life at conventions is much easier to handle than life normally because it is a closed system (Science is cool, okay.) and in closed systems nothing can move in or out. I don’t need to think about the world outside or the people outside. Everything is very simple and easy - a small bubble on which to focus. 

I was thankful to get away from the complications that happen via technology. Ignoring my phone and the news was incredibly soothing. 

Now that I’m back home I feel very on edge because I can’t ignore things anymore. The system has become so suffocatingly complex again and it feels as though all the things that I should have been worrying about when I was away (studying, motivation, boys.) are all coming back very quickly. I want to put everything behind me and stay feeling the way that I did when I was away from the world but I don’t know how to do it. 

I don’t want to be back here.

I’m upset at myself for acting hypocritically. I like to think that I give people good advice and I’m not following the advice that I give other people.

I tell my friends to give other people chances and then I don’t give anyone a chance myself.

I tell them that they can do better than the guys who upset them and then give in to people who upset me. I’m a little angry at myself.

I spent a week trying really hard to do what I know will make me happier in the long run then gave up because I was weak. Maybe I went back because I know that I will be hurt and think that I deserve it? I know that at the time it will make me feel amazing but afterwards I’ll feel even more alone when he goes back to her. =/ 

I feel a little bad for doing what I suppose is not the morally correct thing. 

I massively infuriate myself with my selfishness and naivety. 

This has kinda been a running theme of today. As many of you will know, I suck socially. And because of this, I don’t feel the usual social obligations that normal people do. I don’t invite people to things because I feel I ought to which is both good and bad. On the plus side, I don’t need to spend time with people that I don’t want to spend time with. On the negative side, people get very angry with me for not following social obligation. I don’t understand why I should need to invite people to spend time with me when it may make me feel uncomfortable (or even make them feel uncomfortable!) purely to satisfy other peoples social conventions and make things fair, particularly when it’s an event that I am organising! 

Adults tell children their entire lives that life is not fair. Maybe they should listen to what they’re saying.

I will spend time with whomever it pleases me to so fuck you.