Last Monday I posted my last facebook status, closed my laptop and went to camp in a giant field with very limited technology at the British Juggling Convention. I was extremely relieved to leave normal life behind because everything has been so anxiety filled and stressful recently. But I was also dreading the convention because it had the potential to make me feel trapped and unable to get away from certain situations. I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to stay either. I didn’t want to be anywhere.
Luckily when I arrived, I was able to focus on my volunteering for the first few days and meet some awesome new people. I love being with these people because while we’ve only just met, I know that they wouldn’t let anyone upset me and I stopped worrying.
I had an amazing time. A great weight is lifted when you meet people and they don’t have any preconceptions about you. Life at conventions is much easier to handle than life normally because it is a closed system (Science is cool, okay.) and in closed systems nothing can move in or out. I don’t need to think about the world outside or the people outside. Everything is very simple and easy - a small bubble on which to focus.
I was thankful to get away from the complications that happen via technology. Ignoring my phone and the news was incredibly soothing.
Now that I’m back home I feel very on edge because I can’t ignore things anymore. The system has become so suffocatingly complex again and it feels as though all the things that I should have been worrying about when I was away (studying, motivation, boys.) are all coming back very quickly. I want to put everything behind me and stay feeling the way that I did when I was away from the world but I don’t know how to do it.
I don’t want to be back here.